I spent many years afraid of expressing my anger

I spent many years afraid of expressing my anger.

Childhood- not allowed. Living in fear.

Teenage years- masked by drinking, drugging, self harm.

Early adulthood- all that silencing turned into rage and I took it out on others- physically, verbally and emotionally, especially when under the influence.

🤔Yeah, I don’t not drink today because I’m a goody, goody.

I don’t drink and use drugs because I’m a twisted person when I do…

Let’s just say…

I’ve come a long way.

And then when I got sober and entered therapy over 10+ years ago I still didn’t know how to express anger in a healthy way- and when I say healthy I mean not harming others, including myself in the process.

I was so afraid to feel my anger.

So afraid I would become the girl that was chomping at the bit to beat the shit out of anyone who would even look at her the wrong way. So afraid to become my dad. Afraid I would black out from the rage, that it couldn’t be “controlled” if I allowed even a bit of it to surface and do unspeakable things.

And all these ⬆️tatics to control, to shut it down, did not work because it would still come out explosively because I wasn’t giving myself space to process it in small doses. Thus, every time I’d erupt I’d further validate this “see this is why I just don’t feel it, bc look at what I do!!?”

Welp. That is not helpful either, being stuck in a cycle of not feeling, not expressing, exploding, ashamed, all to do it over and over again…

And so this year as much of that anger has emerged as I move through another spiral 🌀 of feeling and healing in the lifelong journey and some old stuff has decide to visit me in new and different ways l😅, I’ve had the opportunity to revisit my old friend anger.

And it is loud.

But this time I am not afraid.

I am not shutting it down.

I am not rejecting it.

I am okay with this discomfort.

I am okay with it, because i have learned how to hold space for myself.

I am okay with it because I TRUST myself.

I am okay with expressing anger because I know it is temporary.

It is not ME.

It is not my identity.

It will not make me blackout.

I am responsible for myself, my feelings, and my reactions today.

I can face everything and recover.

I can heal.

I am healed.

Meditation. Yoga. Bodywork. Prayers-

All good things, all good things. All things that have brought me to this space today,

BUT

sometimes a chick just got tooo fuckingggg  RAGE.

Pardon my language- but it is what it is y’all…

Not holding back.

So I am going to ride this wave of feeling these big feelings so I can live life on life’s terms,

So I can feel the rainbow of emotions,

So I can continue to lean into the true meaning of loving myself unconditionally,

So I can give myself the space to feel and heal in the ways others were unequipped to do so, allowing me to move forward today, experiencing freedom.

and

most importantly

I will feel and express this anger

****ensuring that through my expressing it towards this wonderful punching bag I prevent harming myself and others by keeping it in. 😤🪽